I would suggest to anyone that is trying to find more control in their life to start writing daily. Whatever might come to you and through, it feels good to be creative and have something like a pressure valve to release daily pressure without any negative repercussion. Now, today, I am sitting here in front of this page, trying to have a monthly perspective and the forefront of what is coming up seem overly harsh on myself.
Having identified this harshness, I want to go to the root, at least mentally, of this pattern. I have done a lot this month. I have learned a lot, and part of the reason I have learn so much is by trying and failing at quite a few things or maybe more not reaching my expectations. I organised and went on my first business trip, I started renting studios to offer breathwork, these breathworks were taught in French, which, even if it is my native language, I did not realize that teaching something in another language is so hard.
So, all and all these are the main tasks that I put myself through, I feel harsh towards myself because I was taught over years, decades, that failure is bad. This is the root of this feeling, the reality is, without throwing myself at these tasks, without giving myself the opportunity to try, I would not have learned and be more prepared for the journey that I am choosing daily.
Now, I believe there is no need for me to criticise the schooling system, this is beside the point, if you want to investigate your own ‘schooling’, have at it. The point I am trying to establish here is that there is a clear relationship between that overwhelming feeling, that feeling of not feeling like I had a good grade enough, and the school system that judge all students work with a ‘grade’…
Self-esteem… wow, by writing through what was coming to the forefront, bitching a little bit about school, which really isn’t the root of the problem, I was able to follow my own tread towards self-esteem.
Do not get me wrong this is not comfortable, I did not want to sit here in front of my computer and do this self-inquiry, but I set out myself to do so, and I will follow through. By writing publicly about self-esteem, I am not snapping my fingers and my life is free from this feeling… I am allowing myself to inquire one spoonful at a time into the depth of my shadows.
The work continues…